i just need to get this off my chest.

spencer broke up with me wednesday night. i guess it was my fault because i can't make up my mind and i constantly voice my concerns to him. He doesn't deserve that.
Everything was normal. Everything was great. we had a good weekend in idaho with his family. we had such great talks on the ride home and i fell in love with him all over again. i wanted him to be mine and only mine forever. Monday night we talked about possibly getting married at christmas and while it was so scary, it was so exciting all at the same time. i love this boy and everything that he is. why wouldn't i want to marry him. tuesday i pretended that i was amy mooso. i was so happy. so giddy. and then wednesday happened. i became so overwhelmed and so stressed. reality set in. housing was stressful. the idea of making a mistake on the most important decision of my life was stressful.
i was driving up to salt lake with my nursing friends and since all we ever talk about is marriage and all the other girls that were considering marriage are actually getting marriage... of course we talked about me and spencer all the way home. i expressed all of my fears. am i in love with spencer or am in love with how much he loves me. am i in love with spencer or am i in love with always having somewhere there to hold me and to love me and to kiss me goodnight. is spencer supposed to be the last boy that i ever date. will i always feel this scared about marriage or is it just this situation. how come i wasn't getting answers like everyone else.
i got home totally stressed. i just wanted to see spencer. i just wanted to tell him everything that was on my mind. i wanted him to tell me it was going to be okay and we were going to figure it out and make it work just like he always does.
i told him we needed to talk and we went on a little date out to dinner. the night was great until i started talking. he was so handsome. so fun. it made me so happy just to be with him.
i started talking and i could tell he was getting concerned. I could tell i was going to cry so we left the restaurant and we went to go and sit in the car. He said, "Amy i have heard all of these things before. none of this is new. clearly these feelings aren't going away. when you doubt, it makes me doubt. it makes me wonder if these feelings are real and i should be concerned. nothing is going to change if we stay in this relationship. in a perfect world, we will date other people and we will realize that we are supposed to be together."
I was sobbing. he was getting emotional. i started to take him home. when we got there i cried for a while and he finally made the decision to end it. i continued crying. he got emotional again. he held me. he told me that he loved me and that he will always love me. he gave me a kiss and he got out of the car.
i cried the rest of the night. i think i was asleep for an hour and woke up at four thirty to go to salt lake and i started crying again. i cried most of the morning and then pulled it together an hour into my shift. as soon as i got in the car, i lost it again and then cried all night again until i took two huge excedrin PMs and craig gave me blessing. (thanks craig. love you.) slept for eleven hours and i thought i woke up okay. i went to class. came home. fell apart again. went to campus. fell apart again. came home and again i am falling apart as i write this. and i am sure there is plenty more to come.
i hope i can figure this out soon and i can be happy again.
thank you to my roommates who have been great. i loved the nice notes and i am sure the ice cream will come in handy this weekend.

spencer i dont know if you will ever read this. i understand if you dont want to but i wanted to tell you a few things. i love you. always will. i love what we had. i love that you were my addiction for so long. you make me happy. it wasnt always easy. no. but i learned so much in the process. you taught me so much about myself. you made me want to be better. you made me want to treat you better. thank you for being the realistic one in the relationship and not being afraid to tell me when i was being ridiculous and a selfish brat. you helped me to look at myself through someone else's eyes and i am a better person because of it. thank you for being patient with me. thank you for loving me for me for whats on the inside. thank you for helping me to see what i want and what i need out of life. over the last year i have watched you change for the better. you are such an amazing man. you are so smart. so dedicated. you have so much going for you. i could go on and on. i am sorry if you feel i have hurt you in any way. i love you. i am not mad. i understand this wasnt easy. i want you to be happy. this is all going to work itself out for the better.

valentine's day...

well, i guess it is time for that well awaited, long overdue valentine's day post.
for valentine's day spencer tried to surprise me with tickets to monster jam because i had been telling him that i had wanted to go forever. unfortunately, i am a brat and i made him tell me what we were doing because to be honest i was a little bit nervous for what he could have planned. he did good. i was impressed.

i think that there is a little white trash in all of us, maybe a little more in me than is normal, but i feel like these tendencies should not be suppressed but embraced whole heartedly. i am not sure why i enjoy monster jam and motocross so much, but i felt like a little giddy school girl as soon as i walked in to the stadium. maybe it is the memories i have associated with this event. maybe it is the smell of dirt, mullets, exhaust and the large amounts of testosterone filling the room. i don't know, but i couldn't stop smiling the whole time i was there. i felt so ridiculous.

spencer turned to me during the show and said, "amy, i knew that you wanted to go to monster jam and i knew that you would enjoy it, but i didn't know you were going to like it this much..." he said he doesn't ever need to go back, but little does he know that if we get married i plan on going to motocross and monster jam every year for the rest of my life. it is just a sacrifice he is going to have to make...

also i would just like to make one comment about monster jam in utah. i was a little bit disappointed about the level of white trash that was in the building. it was mostly families, which is nice because it gave me a little glimpse into my future, but the crowd is half of the fun at events like these. i missed the drunk people, and the lakeside/santee crowd and the large number of fights that break out and get broken up by the police throughout the whole show...

finally, note to all those who will be invited to my baby shower. i would like my baby to have a grave digger hat...

for the rest of our night, we went to get burgers(to keep up with the same level of classiness) and on the way home i came up with a little game for me and spencer to play. kinda cheesy, but really funny. throughout our relationship, a few songs have meant a little more to us than others and i would like to share a few.

this is a song that spencer played for me a few weeks after we started dating and to be honest, when he did, i knew i wanted to keep this boy around... such a good song.



This next song made me kind of sad... you know you have messed with a boy's heart a little too much when this is the only song that he can think of off the top of his head to dedicate to you...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sseEfZIq-qA

sorry i didn't post the video... this is the only appropriate version of the song i could find.

sunday night was my turn to surprise spencer and treat him to a nice evening on the town... i left a card on his car while he was at work with a few nice words in it and i told him to be ready at seven o' clock sharp, lookin' super spiffy and a hot girl would be there to pick him up. i took him to a park and we had a little bit... or a lot of brownies and ice cream before we swung on the swings for a while. i don't know what he did when he was a child, but he didn't even know what an underdog was... i thought this was going to be my night for spencer, but he had a little surprise of his own for me. i got a little nervous when he said that he had made something for me, but his poem is hilarious. if you dont know who these people are then is it isn't as funny, but just go with it...

Amy,
On this Valentine Holiday
I just wanted to say
How much you mean to me
In a messed up sort of way you see
I can't get you out of mind
That must be some sort of sign
That i'm crazy for you
And all those bratty things you do
I know its not perfect
Becasue of our little defects
But we will make it work
Just like jenna and dirk
Although puma and coot don't get along
That doesn't mean that they don't belong
Won't you be my valentine
Because i'm so good with the rhyme?
Love you,
Spencer

i thought it was good. if you don't, that's fine too...

that was my first Valentine's Weekend i have ever spent with a boy and no it wasn't normal for most, but i loved it!

postponed...

i was planning on giving everyone the well anticipated recap of my valentine's weekend tonight. however, spencer fell asleep on my couch tonight right on cue, as usual, 8 o' clock sharp, and i had to take him home. he is such an old soul. something i struggle with every day of my life. i am too tired now so you will all have to wait till tomorrow.

however, there have been a few things on my mind lately that i just need to express. first of all, my skin looks great. my body not so much, but my skin hasn't looked this good in a while. it could be that i have absolutely no stress in my life right now or maybe it is all of the taco bell and french fries that me and spencer have been eating (i know. we are super classy. you don't have to tell me twice.) hope this doesn't jinx anything, but if jesus could just keep this one aspect of my life in line for just a little bit longer that would be much appreciated...

also, as many of you know, my hair has been a real issue lately. it is a combination of bright yellow and white and now that my roots are longer than ever, there is quite a bit of really dark brown creeping out the top. the contrast is a sight to see. let me tell you. all i can say is that it has definitely reached the stage "hot mess".

so i have come to the conclusion that i am going dark and never going back... i am afraid that my mother may have quite the issue with this because i know that she has invested a pretty penny to get my hair into the impeccable state that it is now in... Mother if you would like, i could make this tranformation slowly, but i would really appreciate your support on this. i have walked out of too many hair salons just wishing that i owned a hat. or a paper bag. or some hair clippers. and i really just need to fix the accumulation of mess after mess after mess... i love you. i am planning on heading to the salon tomorrow so feel free to get back to me asap...

look forward to my valentine's post... spencer wrote me a poem. for some strange reason, i have quite a few poems that have accumulated from boys over the years. i must be some kind of inspiration...

I survived.

Oh man. That was rough. He didn't yell and he didn't call me any names, but I sure felt like a b... Feel free to enter any expletives that start with b in that space. I am sure I probably fall under any of those categories.

He wasn't mean to me, which was nice. Actually, our fight went surprisingly well. He told me what frustrated him, why it did, and then he said he was glad to get it off his chest. He handles frustration so much better than I do. I am so glad he doesn't sit around and pout for three hours waiting for someone to come and make it better like I do... so embarrassing.

Hardest part of the night... Finding out how overwhelmed he is with all of his responsibilities right now and knowing that is was me that set him over the edge and brought a little moisture to his eyes. Honestly, I felt like crap. I wanted to curl up in a corner and not come out... Too bad I am kind of large and I wouldn't stay hidden for very long.

All in all, the fight only lasted about 20 minutes. I don't enjoy fighting with anyone, but especially not with Spencer and this might sound weird, but I enjoyed working things out with him. I don't think either of us is concerned about who is right or who is going to come out on top, we both just want it to be over and the other person to be happy again. We work together well. At least I think so... He probably still thinks I am a brat.

I am sorry Spencer. You are still my favorite... Hopefully I am still somewhere near the top of your list too.

I know that this video is highly inappropriate for a young BYU girl's blog, but I have to include it in this post. The first time I saw the first part of this movie, I totally thought of me and Spencer.

It wasn't until this afternoon when I talked to my friend Steven that I realized that the last part of the clip was relevant to my relationship as well. Not so much the part of having another man in the picture, but I have lived my life trying to receive approval of those around me in the choices that I make. I value people's opinions and it is really hard for me when those people that I love disagree with me. Steven said today that I care too much about what other people think of me. I need to base the decisions of my relationship on my feelings and my experiences alone. Of course, I value those around me and what they have to say, but this is a decision that will affect me, and mostly me, for time and all eternity.

And as of now, I am so happy. So, so happy and I am excited to see what lies ahead...

I'm scared...

Spencer is mad at me. He is never mad at me. I am so scared. He is coming over to give me a stern talking to... I am super nervous. I hate it when people are mad at me.

He is mad because I bothered him all day to hang out with me, but he was really, really busy... This actually happens a lot. Like every day. That's why he is so angry. What do I do? I hate that I am such a selfish brat...

Mom can I get these please....

Reasons to convince my mother why I should receive these shoes:
1. These shoes do a great job at extenuating my super nice ankles.
2. They make my feet look super sexy and let's all be honest... that doesn't happen very often.
3. My current running shoes have a hole in them (very small and doesn't affect my exercise routine at all, but that's besides the point...)

Reasons why my mother will say no:
1. I am a spoiled brat... (her words)
2. We are on our last dollar... (again her words)
3. I don't have a job. (which I feel is a really cheap shot...I am a full time student.)

So Dad. Can I please get these new running shoes?

So surprised... Continued.

I forgot why I wanted to talk about Sunday... It wasn't the Super Bowl. I don't even enjoy football... that much. During Relief Society, I was the Spotlight and honestly, I never realized what a bad person I was until it was all laid out on paper so I could see it. My spotlight highlighted my highly inappropriate taste in music, my trashy taste in television shows, my willingness to hit on engaged men during sacrament meeting, and of course (the most attractive part of my body)... my ankles. The high counselor's wife was sitting right in front of me and for some reason she was laughing. I don't think she knew what anything on my spotlight was or else I don't think she would have been laughing... She then decided to come up to me after and tell me that I was so cute when they were reading my spotlight. Little did she know I was totally red because I was completely and utterly embarrassed that that spotlight described me to the T....

Then, during testimony meeting I was listening to this girl talk about how at Judgement Day Christ is going to be our advocate. I sat back and thought about that for a moment. If Christ is going to be my advocate, he is going to have to make up a really good case to get me into Heaven. I can just imagine him saying, "Amy didn't swear this whole day" or "Amy went 4 hours without making one sexual innuendo" or "Amy didn't make fun of someone for 3 days". Let's all be honest. It's going to take some work to get me into Heaven, but I am gonna try to slide in there somehow.

No one else I told this to thought it was funny... So if you don't either it's fine. Or if you think it is highly sacreligious... I am really sorry about that too.

So surprised...

This weekend was so crazy for me. I didn't wear make up for three days (which is really rare for me). I had a lot to do and it was so great that Spencer was in Vegas because I really got a lot more done than I usually do... I had a big test for my eight credit class that I studied for all day Friday and the majority of the day Saturday. I was so mad. I felt like I had gotten almost every question right and then I got a B. I hate that. I hate getting B's. I hate it when I know that I can do better and I don't.

I left campus just relieved for the test to be over and headed to the gym looking very sketchy as usual. This next story won't come to a surprise to many, but for those of you who don't know I am addicted to super trashy TV shows and for some strange reason they usually make me highly emotional. I have officially sobbed in 16 and pregnant and almost cried during Kardashians, but couragously held it back because I was at the gym. I think I cried because there was a girl on the show that had cancer and thats what we are learning about right now and it just makes me sad because I know exactly what she is going through and it sucks. Or maybe I wanted to cry because I think they have a really good family and I really miss mine... a lot.

Then, I went to costco and I was super pissed that all of the samples were put away.

Next stop, the grocery store to try and find some food to make for the Super Bowl while spending the smallest amount of money possible, which is really hard. Especially for me. I am horrible with money and I keep trying to find someone to blame it on, but I have had no luck. I think it is totally and completely my fault. I was super stressed out for reasons I haven't totally figured out yet so I left angry and pretty much empty handed. As I was walking out of the store, I heard someone call my name. First thought that goes through my mind, "Crap I have to talk to someone." I turn around and it's Spencer! I was first thoroughly confused because he told me he was going to be in Vegas until 1:30 in the morning and then I was so happy because he tracked me down and surprised me! He knows I love it when he surprises me. I really needed to see and he made my whole weekend....

Sunday was yet again another ...

Wait how could I forget this crucial part of my weekend?I finally told Spencer that I loved him. I decided I was going to tell him on Tuesday when I was home all alone sitting on my couch all by myself and super embarrassed that I was being so giddy and such a girl. I hated every minute of it. I don't like being vulnerable. Especially for a boy.

We were laying on the couch and I think he was asking me why I kept sending him hate texts all weekend because I was mad he left me all alone all weekend. I told him I was doing it because I really like him and he said, "Are you sure you just like me?" I am so mad. I couldn't say it. I was so nervous. I don't know why it was so hard. I have never said that to a boy before and apparently I couldn't handle the pressure. The subject changed and the moment passed and I am still upset I didn't take advantage of that prime time to tell him...

He got up to leave and we were standing by the door and I was just staring at him. I can't remember what he said but he knew I was thinking something... I said, "I just wish I could tell you, but I can't" and he said, "Don't worry about it. It will come." Then I told him, "Now you know my secret." And he asks, "What secret?" Then I said, (here it comes get ready for it) "Now you know that I love you." He got that cute look on his face that he always does when he is happy and giddy and he made me say it again... Apparently he has been waiting for me to say that for a long time. He told me he loved me while he was at my house over Halloween when we were sitting in my space chair (where I sat and talked to him almost every night over summer) at 2in the morning. It was perfect. He did it in a way more classy way than I did. He just chose to do it before I was ready.

Sunday was yet again another great day. I love Sundays. Sundays are by far my favorite day of the week. Sundays are filled with everything that is most important in life. The Gospel. Family. Friends. Lots of really good food... And Kardashians, but that is besides the point. I love that I can forget about everything else in the world and spend time with those people that I love most. Besides my body, The Day of Rest was by far God's greatest creation. Craig Morgan sums up my feelings about Sunday perfectly...



We had Break the Fast and then Spencer and Craig came over for the Super Bowl. I loved being with my two of favorite boys.... in Provo. Everyone who knows me knows that my Dad is the number one man in my life and always will be. I love you Dad. We made quesadillas and quacamole and ate some Reeses. It was perfect. As usual, Spencer took good care of me and I spent the rest of the night with him. It was perfect.

Oh. And listen to this. Spencer decided to tell his family that I told him I loved him and now they want me and Spencer to go up to Idaho for the wekend so they can "get to know me better". Freak me out! All I know is that I love this boy. I am not ready for in-laws just yet....

Love my family. Love my life. Love my Mom.

Scratch that last post.

Let me clarify that last entry. I think I am going to love being a nurse, however, after being in the OR today, I will not be an OR nurse. I love blood and I love watching surgeries, but it is so boring.... Once the incision was made and I hit the forth hour standing by a bed I was over it.
Today I watched two surgeries of men who had their prostates removed. The only thing I was sure of when I walked out of that room today was that my wedding night would be of no surprise to me.... If I am allowed to say that on my blog.
Anyway the doctor was playing jazz music which put everyone to sleep; the circulating nurse was reading a quilting book; and the nurse anesthetist was on the computer most of the time... Okay it wasn't that bad, but it really was a very slow-paced day. The only exciting part was when no one could get the artificial airway in the first patient and when I ate my lunch... My job, I am happy to say, was to hold the client's hand.... It was exciting to do something. Leave me alone. His respirations were 0 for what seemed like forever. I was impressed he made it out alive.
One thing that is pretty awesome whenever I go to the hospital is I actually get to watch everything that I have been reading about for the past 2 years! I love it. It makes me feel like the hundreds and hundreds of pages I read are not going to waste...
Love my family. Love my life.

I think I am really going to love being a nurse.

Last week at the hospital was amazing! I loved my patient. His heart was failing him and he was waiting for a transplant. He had an LVAD which is basically a machine outside of your body that pumps your heart for you. So incredible! He has no pulse and you can't take his blood pressure,but he is still alive... So crazy. I think this might be one of the reasons why I love the hospital, love the human body and love medicine! It is incredible what we can do these days and whats even wierder is we all talk about these procedures and treatments so nonchalantly like they aren't even a big deal. I have been learning about this stuff for what seems like forever and still I cease to be amazed with the human body and what it is capable of and I would say I am about 97.14% sure that it didn't come about by rubbing some rocks together... Anyway my patient really cemented in my head this week that the nurse is the patient's advocate. Doctor's, nurses, and CNAs all just shuffelled through the room and he told he same things to all of them. It wasn't until they all left and I was just in there to spend time with him that he voiced his true feelings to me about what was going on in his treatment. I loved it. He trusted me or he was trying to make conversation... one or the other. In the short time that I was there I can honestly say that I grew to love my patient. He was such a sweet man and as soon as I walked in the room with him he could tell that I was scared out of my mind. So to ease my nerves, he told me that there is a first time for everything and all the skills I need will come with practice. He then went on to tell me about the first time he stuck his hand into a pig's uterus (his words). Again, I think he was trying to make conversation. I loved it. Love the hospital. Love my family. Love my life.

Spender Mooso...

Most everyone knows about my relationship with Spencer. As he describes it, "Physically and psycologically abnormal." I say that sums it up pretty well. We both came to the conclusion that we both like it like that. It keeps things way more interesting. I love this boy! He makes me smile. He makes me laugh. He makes me feel safe. I love it when I feel like I am his and only his. I love the way he shows me that he loves me and he cares about me and he listens to me when i ramble on and on and on... usually mostly about myself. And it helps that he is so handsome and has a cute butt too.... I have failed to tell him this because I at times I think it might do more harm than good. The other day I came to the conclusion that I was going to tell him and then I talked to my family.... I know that they have good intentions and they are just trying to help, but they really know how to shoot me off my high horse (especially one of them in particular). How do you know the difference between being in love and wanting to spend forever with one person and being in love with being in love? Any good answers? I don't have one either, but until then I am going to continue singing this song every time I am with him....

MIA?

So I do realize that I have been totally MIA from the blog scene for quite sometime now... But I am hoping to turn that around. I have been in deep thought about my life lately since recently I feel totally and completely unorganized and unfortunately stagnant. I have been contemplating those things that I do well and those things that I could improve. Unfortunately, my "improvement" list outweighs my "doing well" list by far... I have always been horrible at keeping a journal and I can't quite bring myself to sit down and write just yet, so I feel like if I pick blogging back up it will be a nice segway into "real" journal writing. And.... since I don't talk to my family much these days because someone with two little babies is occupying all of their time, they can just catch up with life via amythecougar...

These past couple of days have been totally exhausting and I am not 100% sure why, but I am pretty sure that I looked really sexy at church today so that made up for a little bit of my anxiety. Anyways...
My life these days is predominantly taken over by nursing school, which is miserable, but I just keep telling myself it is going to be worth it. I read constantly and I am never finished and no matter how much I read and no matter how study my teacher has still managed to tell me that she is going to slap me twice. I get up at 4:30 on Thursdays and head to Salt lake to work in the U of U hospital. I love the hospital. So much better than the nursing home and U of U is incredible. I think it's safe to say that when I am there I feel pretty legit, but it is also equally safe to say that I am scared out of my mind. This past week I was in the nuero unit and I watched a guy have a seizure and the week before that I watched colonoscopies and bronchoscopies all day long and got to put in an IV... Way cool. You may think I am kidding, but I am not at all. This next week I actaully take care of a patient all by myself so lets all cross our fingers that I don't kill anyone.

Gosh. Writing in a journal is so hard... I have no clue what to say.

One thing is for sure. Evertime I leave the hospital I am so grateful that I am happy and healthy... for the most part. I can handle a little acne and little bit of pudge around my midsection. I see some cards that people are dealt and it is so sad. I see families that have to go through these horrible sicknesses and diseases and it is so horrible. I am so excited to be a nurse to help these people and to serve these people and to hopefully make their experience in the hospital just that much better.

Well Spencer just got here... Yes he is back in the picture. So I would really appreciate it if we keep this a judge free zone and just accept that I am happy. Love my family. Love my life.

p.s. "Dear mom and dad please send money. I'm so broke that it ain't funny. Don't need much just a little to get me by..."