I'm Back...

It’s time I get back into the blog scene. Life gets pretty uneventful as a BYU nursing student with 2 jobs and no boyfriend, so I figured the easiest way to get back into the habit was to start the 30 day blog challenge.

Day 1- Recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself



1. I live in fear every day that I may have to give someone CPR and I won’t know how to do it. At the gym, if an old person is working super hard, I try not to look at them and to get away as soon as possible in case they go into cardiac arrest…

2. I am obsessed with everything wedding. Everything marriage. Everything love. So obsessed, in fact, that I am incapable of being happy for any engaged or married person that isn’t me. It’s a tragedy. I know. I try really hard, but it never works…

3. I am emotionally unstable 99% of the time. In the past 2 days, I have choked back tears in public places 4 times. In my bed, once. No reason was legitimate.

4. I am probably one of the least competitive people you know.

5. My friend josh provided me with this lovely fact. And I quote, “Your version of lingerie consists of flannel and full body modesty.” Dear future husband, First of all, find me faster. You aren’t looking hard enough. Second, I am sure you are super hot and an incredible human being, but your wedding night will be extremely uneventful and I am very sorry about that. Totally my fault.

6. I lack a social filter. My mouth needs to be washed out with soap and my mind is always in the gutter. However, it always makes for a good time. You should try it.

7. Believe it or not, I am still in love with my high school. Case in point. I was practically crying in the gym this morning while watching a marching band perform on a morning show… Embarrassing? I’d say so.

8. I am obsessed with anything family. Probably has to do with the fact that my family is borderline incestuous, but that’s beside the point. I love moms. I love dads. I love babies. I love husbands. Not so much wives. I love it all. And again, I will cry about just about anything that even remotely relates.

9. Speaking of my future family… I talk to them when I am all by myself. Mostly my kids. I think they are really nervous to have me be their mom. I am trying to reassure them that everything will be okay…

10. I would like my children to all have mullets at least sometime in their lives. They will also wear the accompanying timberlands, cut off jean shorts, and sleeveless plaid shirts.

11. My knowledge of U.S. history is no greater than the second grade level at best.

12. I think I am the funniest person I know. Unfortunately, no one else does. I am usually the first and last person laughing at everything I say and sometimes even the only one.

13. I will be forever indebted to the African American race. Hip/Hop/Rap sends of surge of energy through me that makes me so happy. I believe that it is straight poetry. In fact, I cried while listening to Eminem just the other day. Again, not a legitimate reason at all to cry.

14. I have Chrohn’s Disease. Okay. Not really, but I do challenge anyone to find another 21 year old that has as many problems with her bowels as I do.

15. My dream job has always been to be a super model, but not just any supermodel. I want to wear the wings in a Victoria Secret fashion show.

Okay. Listen. I asked of few people who know me best, while writing this blog post, to share some interesting that they know about me. I wasn’t going to include them, but I cannot help myself. They are too funny. If you have a sensitive spirit and would like to retain THE Spirit, please stop reading now.

1. I am recently starting to believe in the existence of human/women’s rights.

2. I have an extensive (semi-first hand) knowledge of almost all known vaginal diseases (I will sing you the song if you would like to hear it).

3. I hyperventilate when I make out.

4. I peeled my entire face off/sanded down three times… and for some reason it is still super embarrassing.

5. My laugh sounds like someone starving for air.

6. I have ambiguous genitalia. Okay. Not really. But I was able to convince my last boyfriend that I did. For real.

7. My relationship with my dad borders illegal.

i just need to get this off my chest.

spencer broke up with me wednesday night. i guess it was my fault because i can't make up my mind and i constantly voice my concerns to him. He doesn't deserve that.
Everything was normal. Everything was great. we had a good weekend in idaho with his family. we had such great talks on the ride home and i fell in love with him all over again. i wanted him to be mine and only mine forever. Monday night we talked about possibly getting married at christmas and while it was so scary, it was so exciting all at the same time. i love this boy and everything that he is. why wouldn't i want to marry him. tuesday i pretended that i was amy mooso. i was so happy. so giddy. and then wednesday happened. i became so overwhelmed and so stressed. reality set in. housing was stressful. the idea of making a mistake on the most important decision of my life was stressful.
i was driving up to salt lake with my nursing friends and since all we ever talk about is marriage and all the other girls that were considering marriage are actually getting marriage... of course we talked about me and spencer all the way home. i expressed all of my fears. am i in love with spencer or am in love with how much he loves me. am i in love with spencer or am i in love with always having somewhere there to hold me and to love me and to kiss me goodnight. is spencer supposed to be the last boy that i ever date. will i always feel this scared about marriage or is it just this situation. how come i wasn't getting answers like everyone else.
i got home totally stressed. i just wanted to see spencer. i just wanted to tell him everything that was on my mind. i wanted him to tell me it was going to be okay and we were going to figure it out and make it work just like he always does.
i told him we needed to talk and we went on a little date out to dinner. the night was great until i started talking. he was so handsome. so fun. it made me so happy just to be with him.
i started talking and i could tell he was getting concerned. I could tell i was going to cry so we left the restaurant and we went to go and sit in the car. He said, "Amy i have heard all of these things before. none of this is new. clearly these feelings aren't going away. when you doubt, it makes me doubt. it makes me wonder if these feelings are real and i should be concerned. nothing is going to change if we stay in this relationship. in a perfect world, we will date other people and we will realize that we are supposed to be together."
I was sobbing. he was getting emotional. i started to take him home. when we got there i cried for a while and he finally made the decision to end it. i continued crying. he got emotional again. he held me. he told me that he loved me and that he will always love me. he gave me a kiss and he got out of the car.
i cried the rest of the night. i think i was asleep for an hour and woke up at four thirty to go to salt lake and i started crying again. i cried most of the morning and then pulled it together an hour into my shift. as soon as i got in the car, i lost it again and then cried all night again until i took two huge excedrin PMs and craig gave me blessing. (thanks craig. love you.) slept for eleven hours and i thought i woke up okay. i went to class. came home. fell apart again. went to campus. fell apart again. came home and again i am falling apart as i write this. and i am sure there is plenty more to come.
i hope i can figure this out soon and i can be happy again.
thank you to my roommates who have been great. i loved the nice notes and i am sure the ice cream will come in handy this weekend.

spencer i dont know if you will ever read this. i understand if you dont want to but i wanted to tell you a few things. i love you. always will. i love what we had. i love that you were my addiction for so long. you make me happy. it wasnt always easy. no. but i learned so much in the process. you taught me so much about myself. you made me want to be better. you made me want to treat you better. thank you for being the realistic one in the relationship and not being afraid to tell me when i was being ridiculous and a selfish brat. you helped me to look at myself through someone else's eyes and i am a better person because of it. thank you for being patient with me. thank you for loving me for me for whats on the inside. thank you for helping me to see what i want and what i need out of life. over the last year i have watched you change for the better. you are such an amazing man. you are so smart. so dedicated. you have so much going for you. i could go on and on. i am sorry if you feel i have hurt you in any way. i love you. i am not mad. i understand this wasnt easy. i want you to be happy. this is all going to work itself out for the better.

valentine's day...

well, i guess it is time for that well awaited, long overdue valentine's day post.
for valentine's day spencer tried to surprise me with tickets to monster jam because i had been telling him that i had wanted to go forever. unfortunately, i am a brat and i made him tell me what we were doing because to be honest i was a little bit nervous for what he could have planned. he did good. i was impressed.

i think that there is a little white trash in all of us, maybe a little more in me than is normal, but i feel like these tendencies should not be suppressed but embraced whole heartedly. i am not sure why i enjoy monster jam and motocross so much, but i felt like a little giddy school girl as soon as i walked in to the stadium. maybe it is the memories i have associated with this event. maybe it is the smell of dirt, mullets, exhaust and the large amounts of testosterone filling the room. i don't know, but i couldn't stop smiling the whole time i was there. i felt so ridiculous.

spencer turned to me during the show and said, "amy, i knew that you wanted to go to monster jam and i knew that you would enjoy it, but i didn't know you were going to like it this much..." he said he doesn't ever need to go back, but little does he know that if we get married i plan on going to motocross and monster jam every year for the rest of my life. it is just a sacrifice he is going to have to make...

also i would just like to make one comment about monster jam in utah. i was a little bit disappointed about the level of white trash that was in the building. it was mostly families, which is nice because it gave me a little glimpse into my future, but the crowd is half of the fun at events like these. i missed the drunk people, and the lakeside/santee crowd and the large number of fights that break out and get broken up by the police throughout the whole show...

finally, note to all those who will be invited to my baby shower. i would like my baby to have a grave digger hat...

for the rest of our night, we went to get burgers(to keep up with the same level of classiness) and on the way home i came up with a little game for me and spencer to play. kinda cheesy, but really funny. throughout our relationship, a few songs have meant a little more to us than others and i would like to share a few.

this is a song that spencer played for me a few weeks after we started dating and to be honest, when he did, i knew i wanted to keep this boy around... such a good song.



This next song made me kind of sad... you know you have messed with a boy's heart a little too much when this is the only song that he can think of off the top of his head to dedicate to you...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sseEfZIq-qA

sorry i didn't post the video... this is the only appropriate version of the song i could find.

sunday night was my turn to surprise spencer and treat him to a nice evening on the town... i left a card on his car while he was at work with a few nice words in it and i told him to be ready at seven o' clock sharp, lookin' super spiffy and a hot girl would be there to pick him up. i took him to a park and we had a little bit... or a lot of brownies and ice cream before we swung on the swings for a while. i don't know what he did when he was a child, but he didn't even know what an underdog was... i thought this was going to be my night for spencer, but he had a little surprise of his own for me. i got a little nervous when he said that he had made something for me, but his poem is hilarious. if you dont know who these people are then is it isn't as funny, but just go with it...

Amy,
On this Valentine Holiday
I just wanted to say
How much you mean to me
In a messed up sort of way you see
I can't get you out of mind
That must be some sort of sign
That i'm crazy for you
And all those bratty things you do
I know its not perfect
Becasue of our little defects
But we will make it work
Just like jenna and dirk
Although puma and coot don't get along
That doesn't mean that they don't belong
Won't you be my valentine
Because i'm so good with the rhyme?
Love you,
Spencer

i thought it was good. if you don't, that's fine too...

that was my first Valentine's Weekend i have ever spent with a boy and no it wasn't normal for most, but i loved it!

postponed...

i was planning on giving everyone the well anticipated recap of my valentine's weekend tonight. however, spencer fell asleep on my couch tonight right on cue, as usual, 8 o' clock sharp, and i had to take him home. he is such an old soul. something i struggle with every day of my life. i am too tired now so you will all have to wait till tomorrow.

however, there have been a few things on my mind lately that i just need to express. first of all, my skin looks great. my body not so much, but my skin hasn't looked this good in a while. it could be that i have absolutely no stress in my life right now or maybe it is all of the taco bell and french fries that me and spencer have been eating (i know. we are super classy. you don't have to tell me twice.) hope this doesn't jinx anything, but if jesus could just keep this one aspect of my life in line for just a little bit longer that would be much appreciated...

also, as many of you know, my hair has been a real issue lately. it is a combination of bright yellow and white and now that my roots are longer than ever, there is quite a bit of really dark brown creeping out the top. the contrast is a sight to see. let me tell you. all i can say is that it has definitely reached the stage "hot mess".

so i have come to the conclusion that i am going dark and never going back... i am afraid that my mother may have quite the issue with this because i know that she has invested a pretty penny to get my hair into the impeccable state that it is now in... Mother if you would like, i could make this tranformation slowly, but i would really appreciate your support on this. i have walked out of too many hair salons just wishing that i owned a hat. or a paper bag. or some hair clippers. and i really just need to fix the accumulation of mess after mess after mess... i love you. i am planning on heading to the salon tomorrow so feel free to get back to me asap...

look forward to my valentine's post... spencer wrote me a poem. for some strange reason, i have quite a few poems that have accumulated from boys over the years. i must be some kind of inspiration...

I survived.

Oh man. That was rough. He didn't yell and he didn't call me any names, but I sure felt like a b... Feel free to enter any expletives that start with b in that space. I am sure I probably fall under any of those categories.

He wasn't mean to me, which was nice. Actually, our fight went surprisingly well. He told me what frustrated him, why it did, and then he said he was glad to get it off his chest. He handles frustration so much better than I do. I am so glad he doesn't sit around and pout for three hours waiting for someone to come and make it better like I do... so embarrassing.

Hardest part of the night... Finding out how overwhelmed he is with all of his responsibilities right now and knowing that is was me that set him over the edge and brought a little moisture to his eyes. Honestly, I felt like crap. I wanted to curl up in a corner and not come out... Too bad I am kind of large and I wouldn't stay hidden for very long.

All in all, the fight only lasted about 20 minutes. I don't enjoy fighting with anyone, but especially not with Spencer and this might sound weird, but I enjoyed working things out with him. I don't think either of us is concerned about who is right or who is going to come out on top, we both just want it to be over and the other person to be happy again. We work together well. At least I think so... He probably still thinks I am a brat.

I am sorry Spencer. You are still my favorite... Hopefully I am still somewhere near the top of your list too.

I know that this video is highly inappropriate for a young BYU girl's blog, but I have to include it in this post. The first time I saw the first part of this movie, I totally thought of me and Spencer.

It wasn't until this afternoon when I talked to my friend Steven that I realized that the last part of the clip was relevant to my relationship as well. Not so much the part of having another man in the picture, but I have lived my life trying to receive approval of those around me in the choices that I make. I value people's opinions and it is really hard for me when those people that I love disagree with me. Steven said today that I care too much about what other people think of me. I need to base the decisions of my relationship on my feelings and my experiences alone. Of course, I value those around me and what they have to say, but this is a decision that will affect me, and mostly me, for time and all eternity.

And as of now, I am so happy. So, so happy and I am excited to see what lies ahead...

I'm scared...

Spencer is mad at me. He is never mad at me. I am so scared. He is coming over to give me a stern talking to... I am super nervous. I hate it when people are mad at me.

He is mad because I bothered him all day to hang out with me, but he was really, really busy... This actually happens a lot. Like every day. That's why he is so angry. What do I do? I hate that I am such a selfish brat...

Mom can I get these please....

Reasons to convince my mother why I should receive these shoes:
1. These shoes do a great job at extenuating my super nice ankles.
2. They make my feet look super sexy and let's all be honest... that doesn't happen very often.
3. My current running shoes have a hole in them (very small and doesn't affect my exercise routine at all, but that's besides the point...)

Reasons why my mother will say no:
1. I am a spoiled brat... (her words)
2. We are on our last dollar... (again her words)
3. I don't have a job. (which I feel is a really cheap shot...I am a full time student.)

So Dad. Can I please get these new running shoes?