i just need to get this off my chest.

spencer broke up with me wednesday night. i guess it was my fault because i can't make up my mind and i constantly voice my concerns to him. He doesn't deserve that.
Everything was normal. Everything was great. we had a good weekend in idaho with his family. we had such great talks on the ride home and i fell in love with him all over again. i wanted him to be mine and only mine forever. Monday night we talked about possibly getting married at christmas and while it was so scary, it was so exciting all at the same time. i love this boy and everything that he is. why wouldn't i want to marry him. tuesday i pretended that i was amy mooso. i was so happy. so giddy. and then wednesday happened. i became so overwhelmed and so stressed. reality set in. housing was stressful. the idea of making a mistake on the most important decision of my life was stressful.
i was driving up to salt lake with my nursing friends and since all we ever talk about is marriage and all the other girls that were considering marriage are actually getting marriage... of course we talked about me and spencer all the way home. i expressed all of my fears. am i in love with spencer or am in love with how much he loves me. am i in love with spencer or am i in love with always having somewhere there to hold me and to love me and to kiss me goodnight. is spencer supposed to be the last boy that i ever date. will i always feel this scared about marriage or is it just this situation. how come i wasn't getting answers like everyone else.
i got home totally stressed. i just wanted to see spencer. i just wanted to tell him everything that was on my mind. i wanted him to tell me it was going to be okay and we were going to figure it out and make it work just like he always does.
i told him we needed to talk and we went on a little date out to dinner. the night was great until i started talking. he was so handsome. so fun. it made me so happy just to be with him.
i started talking and i could tell he was getting concerned. I could tell i was going to cry so we left the restaurant and we went to go and sit in the car. He said, "Amy i have heard all of these things before. none of this is new. clearly these feelings aren't going away. when you doubt, it makes me doubt. it makes me wonder if these feelings are real and i should be concerned. nothing is going to change if we stay in this relationship. in a perfect world, we will date other people and we will realize that we are supposed to be together."
I was sobbing. he was getting emotional. i started to take him home. when we got there i cried for a while and he finally made the decision to end it. i continued crying. he got emotional again. he held me. he told me that he loved me and that he will always love me. he gave me a kiss and he got out of the car.
i cried the rest of the night. i think i was asleep for an hour and woke up at four thirty to go to salt lake and i started crying again. i cried most of the morning and then pulled it together an hour into my shift. as soon as i got in the car, i lost it again and then cried all night again until i took two huge excedrin PMs and craig gave me blessing. (thanks craig. love you.) slept for eleven hours and i thought i woke up okay. i went to class. came home. fell apart again. went to campus. fell apart again. came home and again i am falling apart as i write this. and i am sure there is plenty more to come.
i hope i can figure this out soon and i can be happy again.
thank you to my roommates who have been great. i loved the nice notes and i am sure the ice cream will come in handy this weekend.

spencer i dont know if you will ever read this. i understand if you dont want to but i wanted to tell you a few things. i love you. always will. i love what we had. i love that you were my addiction for so long. you make me happy. it wasnt always easy. no. but i learned so much in the process. you taught me so much about myself. you made me want to be better. you made me want to treat you better. thank you for being the realistic one in the relationship and not being afraid to tell me when i was being ridiculous and a selfish brat. you helped me to look at myself through someone else's eyes and i am a better person because of it. thank you for being patient with me. thank you for loving me for me for whats on the inside. thank you for helping me to see what i want and what i need out of life. over the last year i have watched you change for the better. you are such an amazing man. you are so smart. so dedicated. you have so much going for you. i could go on and on. i am sorry if you feel i have hurt you in any way. i love you. i am not mad. i understand this wasnt easy. i want you to be happy. this is all going to work itself out for the better.