I'd like to give a shout out to my main man ...

Today is a very special day... Many, many years ago, a very special man was born into this world. I love my dad so much! He has been the best example to me and there usually isn't anyone that I would rather hang out with more. Unfortunately, he has set my "dad" standard pretty high and not very many men can live up. Thanks dad...

But in all serious, I love you dad. So much. You are a great dad and you have taught all of your children so much. We know what is important in life and you and mom have shown us, by example, how we should conduct ourselves and live our lives.

I hope you had an incredible birthday, which hopefully by now isn't that hard to do in Hawaii...

I love you Dad! Thank you for all that you do for me!

P.s. Mom, sorry this isnt the best picture of you, but it was the only one I had with dad... I think you are beautiful anyway. Love you both!

I need help...

I cried again... Except this time it wasn't in my car at the top of a mountain or in my bed all by lonesome. I just cried to my second counselor for who knows how long for no apparent reason. And this wasn't just any cry. This wasn't just one glistening tear sliding down my cheek. This was definitely full on. Can't even stop if I try. Totally embarrassing. Completely emotionally unstable to the point of no return. He had no clue what to do with me...

My life is such a joke.

I am so sorry Second Counselor.

This is for my mom...

Mom,

I know at times you may be embarrassed and ashamed because I may not have to cleanest mouth and I may be a little crude at times. I may be brutally honest and come off a little harsh, a little vulgar, or a little mean. I am sorry.

You might not think anyone is going to like me or love me just the way I am, but I do. I love who I am. I love that I am not like everyone else and I am a little wierd and a little corky and am not afraid to share what is on my mind.

I know I have a long way to go and I am desensitized to a point where sometimes I don't even realize things I do or say are wrong anymore... But I am trying to be better.

In fact, I found this little gem while I was listening to some conference talks tonight... Pay close attention from 2:11 to 2:53. That's for me.



I may not be the most faithful servant all the time, but I am trying, and I think He knows that.

Just love me mom. Just support me.

Because I love you. So much!

Day 3- A picture of you and your friends

Not sure who the kissing booth kid is in this picture, but I do know one thing for sure. He was all up on me that night. I am not going to say I didn't like it, but it definitely started to become a burden by the end of the night.

Only one other person knows how hard it is to carry the mantle of everyone being in love with you... and that's MY GYN!

Gyn is the gem right in the middle trying to man handle my kissing booth and my behind...

I would like to take a quick minute to express my undying love for my baby Gyn! I don't think I tell her enough. She makes me so incredibly happy. I look forward to seeing her face every night when I get home. Not so much in the morning... that takes a lot of me.

It it wasn't for her, I would have been prescribed Celexa years ago. She is hands down the most inappropriately hilarious person I have ever met... and I never know what is going to come out her mouth next. I would share stories, but unfortunately, both of our mothers tell us that we need to not show anyone who we really are or at least not all at once, so I will refrain for now.

(Gyn, I know the Bishop has told us multiple times that we have no chance after this life, but as long as I am with you and pearl, I am sure we will do just fine where ever we do end up.)

The strapping, young, black man that gets her is a very lucky man. (If, of course Gyn, he doesn't fall in love with me first... You know how that goes. It has happened one to many times already).

I love you, Gyn. So much. And I know that our relationship is only going to get better from here on out now that our beds are pushed together... Thanks for taking such good care of me and making me laugh every single day... Emphasis on the single.

Day 2- The meaning behind your blog name

Okay so I have gotten behind on the blog challenge. My bad, but honestly my blog name has no meaning to me whatsoever. I don’t even think I came up with it. I don’t even think I know what a cougar is… except, I think my mom is one. She’s super hot.

And I currently wouldn’t describe my life as “livin’ it up”. I hit the library and the gym up pretty hard these days, but that’s about it. The rest of my life consists of borderline inappropriate conversations with my roommate and everyone else telling me that if I want to get married I need to completely revamp who I am and conform to the cookie cutter Mormon housewife…

So…. I am skipping this entry.

Just read this over before posting. I am a really cynical person. I am sorry.

I'm Back...

It’s time I get back into the blog scene. Life gets pretty uneventful as a BYU nursing student with 2 jobs and no boyfriend, so I figured the easiest way to get back into the habit was to start the 30 day blog challenge.

Day 1- Recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself



1. I live in fear every day that I may have to give someone CPR and I won’t know how to do it. At the gym, if an old person is working super hard, I try not to look at them and to get away as soon as possible in case they go into cardiac arrest…

2. I am obsessed with everything wedding. Everything marriage. Everything love. So obsessed, in fact, that I am incapable of being happy for any engaged or married person that isn’t me. It’s a tragedy. I know. I try really hard, but it never works…

3. I am emotionally unstable 99% of the time. In the past 2 days, I have choked back tears in public places 4 times. In my bed, once. No reason was legitimate.

4. I am probably one of the least competitive people you know.

5. My friend josh provided me with this lovely fact. And I quote, “Your version of lingerie consists of flannel and full body modesty.” Dear future husband, First of all, find me faster. You aren’t looking hard enough. Second, I am sure you are super hot and an incredible human being, but your wedding night will be extremely uneventful and I am very sorry about that. Totally my fault.

6. I lack a social filter. My mouth needs to be washed out with soap and my mind is always in the gutter. However, it always makes for a good time. You should try it.

7. Believe it or not, I am still in love with my high school. Case in point. I was practically crying in the gym this morning while watching a marching band perform on a morning show… Embarrassing? I’d say so.

8. I am obsessed with anything family. Probably has to do with the fact that my family is borderline incestuous, but that’s beside the point. I love moms. I love dads. I love babies. I love husbands. Not so much wives. I love it all. And again, I will cry about just about anything that even remotely relates.

9. Speaking of my future family… I talk to them when I am all by myself. Mostly my kids. I think they are really nervous to have me be their mom. I am trying to reassure them that everything will be okay…

10. I would like my children to all have mullets at least sometime in their lives. They will also wear the accompanying timberlands, cut off jean shorts, and sleeveless plaid shirts.

11. My knowledge of U.S. history is no greater than the second grade level at best.

12. I think I am the funniest person I know. Unfortunately, no one else does. I am usually the first and last person laughing at everything I say and sometimes even the only one.

13. I will be forever indebted to the African American race. Hip/Hop/Rap sends of surge of energy through me that makes me so happy. I believe that it is straight poetry. In fact, I cried while listening to Eminem just the other day. Again, not a legitimate reason at all to cry.

14. I have Chrohn’s Disease. Okay. Not really, but I do challenge anyone to find another 21 year old that has as many problems with her bowels as I do.

15. My dream job has always been to be a super model, but not just any supermodel. I want to wear the wings in a Victoria Secret fashion show.

Okay. Listen. I asked of few people who know me best, while writing this blog post, to share some interesting that they know about me. I wasn’t going to include them, but I cannot help myself. They are too funny. If you have a sensitive spirit and would like to retain THE Spirit, please stop reading now.

1. I am recently starting to believe in the existence of human/women’s rights.

2. I have an extensive (semi-first hand) knowledge of almost all known vaginal diseases (I will sing you the song if you would like to hear it).

3. I hyperventilate when I make out.

4. I peeled my entire face off/sanded down three times… and for some reason it is still super embarrassing.

5. My laugh sounds like someone starving for air.

6. I have ambiguous genitalia. Okay. Not really. But I was able to convince my last boyfriend that I did. For real.

7. My relationship with my dad borders illegal.

i just need to get this off my chest.

spencer broke up with me wednesday night. i guess it was my fault because i can't make up my mind and i constantly voice my concerns to him. He doesn't deserve that.
Everything was normal. Everything was great. we had a good weekend in idaho with his family. we had such great talks on the ride home and i fell in love with him all over again. i wanted him to be mine and only mine forever. Monday night we talked about possibly getting married at christmas and while it was so scary, it was so exciting all at the same time. i love this boy and everything that he is. why wouldn't i want to marry him. tuesday i pretended that i was amy mooso. i was so happy. so giddy. and then wednesday happened. i became so overwhelmed and so stressed. reality set in. housing was stressful. the idea of making a mistake on the most important decision of my life was stressful.
i was driving up to salt lake with my nursing friends and since all we ever talk about is marriage and all the other girls that were considering marriage are actually getting marriage... of course we talked about me and spencer all the way home. i expressed all of my fears. am i in love with spencer or am in love with how much he loves me. am i in love with spencer or am i in love with always having somewhere there to hold me and to love me and to kiss me goodnight. is spencer supposed to be the last boy that i ever date. will i always feel this scared about marriage or is it just this situation. how come i wasn't getting answers like everyone else.
i got home totally stressed. i just wanted to see spencer. i just wanted to tell him everything that was on my mind. i wanted him to tell me it was going to be okay and we were going to figure it out and make it work just like he always does.
i told him we needed to talk and we went on a little date out to dinner. the night was great until i started talking. he was so handsome. so fun. it made me so happy just to be with him.
i started talking and i could tell he was getting concerned. I could tell i was going to cry so we left the restaurant and we went to go and sit in the car. He said, "Amy i have heard all of these things before. none of this is new. clearly these feelings aren't going away. when you doubt, it makes me doubt. it makes me wonder if these feelings are real and i should be concerned. nothing is going to change if we stay in this relationship. in a perfect world, we will date other people and we will realize that we are supposed to be together."
I was sobbing. he was getting emotional. i started to take him home. when we got there i cried for a while and he finally made the decision to end it. i continued crying. he got emotional again. he held me. he told me that he loved me and that he will always love me. he gave me a kiss and he got out of the car.
i cried the rest of the night. i think i was asleep for an hour and woke up at four thirty to go to salt lake and i started crying again. i cried most of the morning and then pulled it together an hour into my shift. as soon as i got in the car, i lost it again and then cried all night again until i took two huge excedrin PMs and craig gave me blessing. (thanks craig. love you.) slept for eleven hours and i thought i woke up okay. i went to class. came home. fell apart again. went to campus. fell apart again. came home and again i am falling apart as i write this. and i am sure there is plenty more to come.
i hope i can figure this out soon and i can be happy again.
thank you to my roommates who have been great. i loved the nice notes and i am sure the ice cream will come in handy this weekend.

spencer i dont know if you will ever read this. i understand if you dont want to but i wanted to tell you a few things. i love you. always will. i love what we had. i love that you were my addiction for so long. you make me happy. it wasnt always easy. no. but i learned so much in the process. you taught me so much about myself. you made me want to be better. you made me want to treat you better. thank you for being the realistic one in the relationship and not being afraid to tell me when i was being ridiculous and a selfish brat. you helped me to look at myself through someone else's eyes and i am a better person because of it. thank you for being patient with me. thank you for loving me for me for whats on the inside. thank you for helping me to see what i want and what i need out of life. over the last year i have watched you change for the better. you are such an amazing man. you are so smart. so dedicated. you have so much going for you. i could go on and on. i am sorry if you feel i have hurt you in any way. i love you. i am not mad. i understand this wasnt easy. i want you to be happy. this is all going to work itself out for the better.